Yes, my last post was in 2012. I know it is now 2014.

But sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. And sometimes, like today, I have a lot of words that I need to get out. But it’s hard to get them out because they’re going so fast in my head. 

Do you ever just get overwhelmed with everything that you have going on? Work, side projects, medical stuff. Joe and I are working on buying a condo so that’s scheduling viewings, looking at viewings, checking out neighborhoods, commute times, what can we live without? Is outdoor space more important than having a 2nd bathroom? It’s just so many things to have to remember! 

Then, I have so many medical issues that I should take care of while the taking care of is good. One of these things is a big oral surgery that is going to require a 6-month healing period and then another 3-month healing period! And, it’s time for Joe and I to start planning our family. Not having one, but planning on having one. This takes up a lot of mental capacity for me. 

And I hate cantaloupe, so why am I craving it? Ever since I got sick (acute bronchitis) I’ve just craved cantaloupe and that’s all I want to eat. I also like mushrooms now, so that’s fun. 

To reference my 2012 resolutions (I don’t think I made any in 2013. And I know I didn’t make any in 2014), I am eating more vegetables, I am also eating better, I’m not going to the gym more, I’m slightly more active, I am not on a regular sleep schedule unless you count going to bed as early as possible as a regular thing, I drink a lot more water, I drink the same amount of coffee. Maybe I’m nicer to people? I’ve definitely grown to be more compassionate. I don’t think that I talk to my parents more, but it is easier now that my dad has an iPhone and I can text him. I am totally NOT more financially responsible. However, I know the root of my problem – I hate to say no to myself. Still living in the same place, but… See above. My parents helped me pay down my credit card debt. Now I am just working on not building it back up. 

And, I have a full time job and have had one for a while now. AND… I’m kind of a big deal and people call me Miss Tammy. 

Resolutions

I feel like I make resolutions every year, but generally forget about them… Anyway, here are mine for 2012. 

Ones I can help: eat more vegetables, eat better, go to the gym more, work out more, be more active, get on a regular sleep schedule, drink more water, drink less coffee, be nicer to people, prioritize people over myself, give people the benefit of the doubt more, talk to my parents more, be better with money, be more financially responsible, find a new place to live, pay down my credit card debt — all of these things should, theoretically result in a happier, healthier, better me. 

Ones I can’t really help: get a full-time job (ok, I can help a little bit, but the decision is not in my hands)

Giving Thanks

Today Joe and I had our second Thanksgiving together and with just us. Even though I haven’t gone home for Thanksgiving for the past 4 years, I still wish I could just fly back for a few days and spend time with my …estranged family… I think that if Facebook didn’t exist, my parents and I would be even more distant. I’ve never been close to my parents, and I can’t say that we ever had any family traditions. I have always been close to Tony though. He came up for the first Thanksgiving I didn’t go home. He also is coming up for the first Christmas I’m not going home. 

Nonetheless, I am extremely thankful to have my family. All of them – those that are in that picture a few posts back and my long lost paternal side of the family. There are a lot of people who do not have any family. Then there are the people who have the family and take it for granted. Then there are the people who have family and can’t imagine it any other way. I’m thankful that they try in the best way they know how to support me. I’m thankful for the efforts we have made to become closer and understand each other better. I’m thankful for their constant put-downs (it keeps me on my feet!). 

I’m thankful for Joe who supports me and loves me “like he never thought possible.”

I’m thankful for a job, that even though it is part-time, it is terribly fulfilling. I’m thankful for the incredible supervisor that I have who, without even knowing me, understood how I work before I even started working for him. I am thankful for the fact that I get tired of the people that I work with on a regular basis because it keeps me real

Almost all of my friends on Facebook have been posting what they are thankful for. It made me realize that I am thankful for everyone and everything. One friend posted about being thankful for God. That post ignited a fire in me that was started by another friend who made a religiously ignorant comment on her religiously ignorant Facebook post. I realized today that I am thankful for all of the different people in this world, all of the different faiths in this world, all of the different lifestyles in this world, and even for all of the ignorance in this world. This world (with all of its people!) motivate me to continue to be a better person and more accepting

A lot has changed in [almost] two months

Since my last post, I am happy to say that I’ve quit my BIC job.  That one that I ranted about previously.  I am going to be working more hours at another job, though not quite full time, I believe it will be ok.  Ok enough?  Well, we will see.  This actually just happened yesterday.  I’ve told most of my friends but I haven’t told my parents because I am almost certain the first words out of their mouth will be “why is it not full time” and I just don’t have the energy to constantly explain to them the difference between what I want to do in my industry and working at a restaurant.

Sometimes I wonder.

Also, in the past two months Joe and I took a trip to NC.  We drove down for this:

My mom's side of the family

The whole story is pretty stupid.  My family has been all sorts of stupid lately.  Buying a condo and putting it in my brother’s name “because it is a good time to buy even though we own a perfectly nice house” included amongst the stupid.

I’ve also been thinking about starting a more focused blog mostly based on reviews that would link to my yelp reviews and would contain my reviews in general of things I’ve seen/read/cooked.  It would definitely be more put together than this blog and would not be nearly as “Debbie Downer” as this one is.  Thoughts?

Preferences

I prefer winter to summer, but I prefer summer activities to winter activities (or lack thereof).
I prefer sleeping in to waking up.
I prefer cod to halibut.

I also prefer Caribou’s coffee to the stuff you get at Starbucks.   That was really what prompted this post.  I had coffee from Caribou for the first time on Monday and one sip did me in.  I’m not quite the coffee aficionado to know why it is so good, but it just tasted like coffee smells.  It’s a shame though, because the rewards that Starbucks offers are so good.  Anyway, this is not really anything of any importance.  I like the word any.

This morning I read an email from a friend who I haven’t talked to in a while.  I’m busy with my stagnant life and she is busy with her constantly changing life as a new mother.  But, she had asked me how I was doing and it really hit me then that my life is stagnant.  I am still working the two jobs that I was working two years ago.  I am still dating the same man (don’t get me wrong though, this part is awesome).  I am still writing my thesis.  Or starting to write my thesis.  Living in the same city, doing the same things.  Sometimes monotony is good – like staying with the same man.  But, it seems to me, right now, at this moment, that, for the most part, monotony is bad.  I apologize for the strong use of commas, but I wanted to make sure you paused.

But, is it wrong of me to be ok with what I am doing?  No one other than myself is casting any doubt on me, but I still wonder.  I like the jobs that I have right now – well, I really like the one and don’t mind the other – even if they aren’t full time.  But they give me flexibility and opportunity throughout the weeks.  Don’t get me wrong, I would love a full time gig, but no one seems to want to give me a full time gig.  Since January I have been offered three internships.  Three part-time, unpaid internships.  I didn’t take them – not a single one.  I may be wrong for it, but I believe my time is spent better getting paid at my two jobs and relaxing and living on my days off.  Exhaustion is bad for you, don’t you know?

But anyway, the bottom line is I need someone to kick me in the  butt.  Any volunteers?

A New Year

I’m back in Chicago now from a short break in NC.  This means I have to get back to work.  Back to work as in back to job hunting and researching/writing my thesis.  For some reason, both of these things are now scary to me.  I seem to have lost quite a bit of hope in succeeding in either of these things that I need to make my life more complete.

I’m also bitter and am wavering on my commitment to the job hunt.  How do I know when it’s time to move on? Maybe that will be my goal, to either take a leap of faith or decide to suck it up.

Sorry I’m not very insightful.

So. Angry. Or maybe it’s bitter.

That’s all.  I’m tired of working hard and being praised and still getting the shaft.  How can I help but be angry?  How do I not be angry and/or bitter?  Please leave comments.  Thanks!

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